The Grief No One Sees: Disenfranchised Loss in the Perinatal Period
By Danielle M. King, M.Ed., Counseling VT, LLC
Not all grief is visible. Not all loss is acknowledged.
If you’ve experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, a traumatic birth, infertility, the loss of a hoped-for experience, or even a complicated relationship with motherhood itself—you may be living with what’s called disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka to describe grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. And in the perinatal world, it’s everywhere.
Losses That Don’t “Count”
People often assume grief only follows death. But in the perinatal period, grief may show up in many invisible forms:
The pregnancy that ended in miscarriage before you could tell anyone
The baby who died quietly in your womb, whose name was never spoken aloud
The birth that left you physically or emotionally shattered
The breastfeeding journey that didn’t go the way you hoped
The dreams of a peaceful postpartum that were swallowed by anxiety or depression
The ambivalence or resentment that creeps in when motherhood feels nothing like you imagined
The longing for a pregnancy that never happens because you never found a partner to share the experience with
These losses don’t always have rituals. They often don’t come with casseroles or cards. But they are real, and they deserve to be honored.
The Things People Say (That Hurt More Than Help)
People don’t mean to cause harm—but when grief isn’t understood, it’s often minimized. Some common phrases clients share with me:
“At least you can try again.”
“At least you already had kids.”
“It’s not like the baby was born.”
“Maybe it’s for the best.”
“You should be grateful he wasn’t born alive and then died.”
“Maybe she died so she didn’t have to struggle through things.”
These comments may come from a place of discomfort or misguided comfort. But to the grieving parent, they can feel like erasure.
Your Grief Deserves Space
You don’t have to justify your pain. You don’t have to minimize your story to make others comfortable. What happened to you matters—even if it didn’t result in a birth certificate, even if it doesn’t make sense to others, even if no one around you wants to talk about it.
Grief that isn’t witnessed can become grief that’s internalized. But grief that is held—with care, without judgment—can slowly become something else: a sacred part of your story, instead of a shadow you carry alone.
If This Is You
I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. If you’re grieving and no one seems to understand, I see you. If you find yourself numb, angry, exhausted, or tearful in waves—this, too, is grief.
Therapy can be a space to process what’s happened, reconnect with parts of yourself that feel lost, and begin to gently integrate your experience.
You deserve support—not just because you’re grieving, but because your grief is real.
Danielle King, M.Ed.