Parenting a Child with ADHD: Navigating Big Feelings, Daily Chaos, and Deep Love

By Danielle King, M.Ed., Counseling VT, LLC

If you’re parenting a child with ADHD, you already know it’s not about “bad behavior” or “not trying hard enough.” It’s about living with a brain wired for intensity—of thought, emotion, movement, and reaction. And while that intensity can bring creativity, passion, and originality, it can also bring exhaustion, self-doubt, and daily conflict.

I know this both personally and professionally. As a therapist—and as a mom to one child with ADHD and one with ADD—I’ve sat with the overwhelm, the guilt, the messy mornings, the constant redirecting & reminding, the deep fatigue, and the beautiful bursts of connection that remind you why you keep showing up.

If you’re in it too, you’re not alone.

ADHD Is More Than Just Attention

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurodevelopmental condition, not a result of poor parenting. It affects how a child regulates attention, emotions, impulses, and often their ability to transition between tasks or tolerate frustration.

It can look like:

  • Big meltdowns over small things

  • Forgetfulness, even with daily routines

  • Constant movement, fidgeting, or talking

  • Difficulty following multi-step directions

  • Emotional reactivity—joy that’s uncontainable, frustration that’s explosive

And it can feel like:

  • Walking on eggshells

  • Worrying what others think

  • Losing your patience more than you’d like

  • Constantly trying to predict or prevent the next upset

You Are Not Failing

Let me say that again: You are not failing.

The parenting strategies that work for most kids might not work for yours—and that’s not a reflection of your ability or love. It simply means your child’s brain needs different support. You’re parenting a child who is often misunderstood, and that’s incredibly hard. But it’s also incredibly important.

What Helps:

BEFORE THE MELTDOWN: BUILD A FOUNDATION

These are your prevention tools.

  1. Create a Predictable Structure

    • Visual schedules, consistent routines, and clear expectations reduce anxiety and impulsivity.

  2. Teach Calming Skills Outside the Moment

    • Practice together during calm times:

      • Belly breathing

      • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding

      • “Name the feeling” games

      • Drawing or movement breaks

      • IFS parts language: “A part of you feels really mad right now.”

  3. Develop a Regulation Plan Together

    • Create a “calm kit” or “safe space” with sensory tools, headphones, weighted items, etc.

    • Use visuals or a simple chart to show calming choices.

  4. Name & Validate Emotions

    • Teach emotional language: “You’re feeling so frustrated. That makes sense.”

    • Practice noticing and naming feelings without shame.

IN THE MOMENT: WHEN A MELTDOWN STARTS

This is when your regulation matters most.

  1. Lower Your Voice, Soften Your Face

    • Mirror calm, even if they’re raging.

    • “I’m right here. You’re safe. We’ll get through this together.”

  2. Hold Boundaries Firmly, Not Harshly

    • “I won’t let you hurt anyone. I see how hard this is.”

    • “You can be mad. You can’t throw things.”

  3. Don’t Reason Mid-Tantrum

    • The logical brain is offline. Skip lectures or consequences in the heat.

  4. Co-Regulate

    • Offer presence, not pressure. Sit near them.

    • Breathe visibly. Offer choices: “Want to stomp it out or squeeze something?”

  5. Model Parts Awareness

    • “It looks like a really big part took over. Can we help it calm down?”

AFTER THE STORM: REPAIR AND REFLECT

This is where learning happens.

  1. Reconnect Gently

    • “That was really hard. You’re not in trouble—I want to understand what happened.”

  2. Debrief the Explosion (When They’re Ready)

    • Use questions like:

      • “What did your body feel like?”

      • “Was there a part that felt scared or mad?”

      • “What helped/didn’t help?”

  3. Problem-Solve Together

    • “Next time, when that part shows up, what could we try?”

    • Rehearse using the calm kit or words to ask for help.

  4. Celebrate Growth

    • Catch them using skills. “You noticed you were getting overwhelmed and asked for a break—amazing!”

The Gifts Beneath the Struggles

Children with ADHD often bring deep empathy, fierce loyalty, endless curiosity, and wild imagination. They may not always show it in ways that are easy to receive—but it’s there.

When we parent with curiosity instead of control, connection instead of coercion, we give them room to grow into their full selves.

If You’re Feeling Tired—That’s Okay

You’re allowed to grieve the hard parts, to feel resentful, to want a break. You’re also allowed to find joy, to laugh in the chaos, and to take pride in how fiercely you advocate for your child.

This isn’t about fixing your child. It’s about understanding them—and yourself—with more compassion.

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To the Parent Who Yells More Than They Want To (But Loves Their Kids Fiercely)